Welcome to Arby’s Roast Town, How Would You Like Your Chakras Aligned?

Creative nonfiction by Casey jo & Johannah simon

Always push for the upsell - ask if they’d like to add onion petals or jalapeño poppers to their order. Offer the new Atomic Horsey sauce as a way to test their upper limits. Clock the proximity of your manager, prematurely bald, skulking near the drive-through, singing along to “Every Breath You Take.” Know he’s actually monitoring your every word. Note the irony. Wish you could apologize for the upsell. If they ever ask if the roast beef is real, shut it down and evade the question. Remember, you’re not at liberty to divulge what, exactly, is in the meat product on the slicer behind you. Just remind them that it looks so…delicious? Get existential, pivot, ask what’s real in this life anyways?

Always extend a warm welcome to Rocks ‘N Things patrons. Remind them you have the area’s biggest selection of Blackhills Gold. Even though it’s not real gold, let them know it can still provide an authentic 1890s miner experience (minus the black lung.) Inform them it makes for a gorgeous promise ring. Tell them not to overthink fake gold rings exchanged for real promises of chastity or commitment. Offer to model the ring. Pretend that you’re the girlfriend / daughter / wife. Ask them to slide that beauty on your finger. Bat your lashes; show how happy she’ll be. Make it feel real. Pause and ask yourself - am I making this weird?

If they’re not in the mood for the roast beef product shrug it off, there’s no love lost. Clearly they’ve got a more discerning palette, so really lean into the elevated experience of Arby’s Roast Town, the one jammed down your throat during job training. Offer extended menu options: chicken, turkey, pasta salad…  or maybe they’re down for dessert, perhaps an apple dumpling? Hype up the apple dumpling like it’s heaven in a plastic dish. Inhale the apple dumpling covertly at the end of every shift, then drive home and examine the circumference of your thighs. Spiral into a haze of body-dysmorphia, bemoan your size 2 jeans. Ask yourself - is this bad juju?

So, they’re not interested in the Blackhills Gold. They say they’re looking to get rid of some bad juju. Ask if they’ve experienced druzy quartz; pump up the store’s collection as the largest assortment in the Midwest. Keep it behind glass because it's too powerful to touch, absorbing negative ions and energy like a cosmic sponge. If they’ve been dealing with a lot of negative energy recently, tell them you could sense that! Tell them they could level-up to a whole geode—bigger boulders hide the coolest amethyst and agate crystals inside. Wonder if you’re saying that because you’re a size 18. Reassure yourself that everyone loves a geode.

Giggle awkwardly, tell them you’re only 16. And you have a boyfriend. Very tall, very jacked. You don’t really. But tell them this anyway, hoping they leave you the fuck alone. They noticed your amethyst ring; told you February girls are just the coolest. Wonder if they know they’re 38 and intensely creepy. Shudder at their Hollywood hair, talk show host teeth, ugly insides. Never spit in their food, but do fantasize about scattering their curly fries across the grimy floor and serving them up with a smile. Pray they stop coming in, getting in your line, saying your name like some kind of mantra. Sense their dark energy a mile away. Wonder if there’s a way to block it.

Suggest meditation with black tourmaline for an elevated level of grounding and protection from dark energy. Instruct them to wear special cotton gloves if they want to handle it, though— you can’t let the tourmaline get tainted for the next customer! Do you believe in the healing power of rocks and crystals? Of course you do, why else would you work here? You fall asleep every night with a rose quartz nestled on your belly to help you attract true love.

Do you believe in the unparalleled quality of Arby’s Roast Town? Pause a beat. Ask them: Have you never had the out-of-body experience of ingesting a Jamocha shake? Tell them: It’s transcendent. Truly. 

Tell them you really vibe with their transcendent aura. Ask if they’re truly ready to commit to the New Age lifestyle, then reveal the chakra wand case. Tada! This is only for seriously enlightened persons with cash to burn. Explain the wand’s seven crystals align to the seven chakra points, clearing any blockages so energy flows freely, crown chakra to root chakra. You? No, you don’t own one. You’re making minimum wage slinging rocks. But you’re saving up for one. You’d like to get aligned before you go to college. Who knows what will happen if you don’t? 

Know that you’re only pimping supposedly premium fried foods and roast beef to save up for college. The truth is you’re over your hair and car and clothes reeking of fryer grease for all eternity. Confirm that you’re sick of customers with creepy vibes and your manager creeping around you.

Does the chakra wand cure cancer? Tell them: Dude, that’s heavy. You’re not a doctor. Just a teenager trafficking rocks on Sundays to pay for school. Realize you’re sick of selling people snake oil and crystal cures.

Get sick of pretending this is anything other than fast food. 

Get sick of peddling false hope to people needing real solutions.

Know that being a high school girl is hard enough. Get tired of stressing about your body and worrying about finding a man or fending one off. Decide you’re done being a good girl; pretending that you care or your job matters. Realize you’re so over fake meat and fake gold.

Determine you want something real. Even though, deep down, you suspect every job, the whole system, involves some level of artifice, charade, and/or soul sucking sacrifice.

Say fuck it.

Quit anyway.

Writers Casey Jo and Johannah are two Gen-X strangers, brought together by the site formerly known as Twitter. Harboring select squishy spots for the 80's, they're out there somewhere, still Running Up That Hill. You can find Casey Jo's most recent work published or forthcoming in Stanchion, Pool Party and Major 7th Magazine. Say hi @ca5eyj0 on Instagram and X, and at caseyjo.carrd.co. You can find Johannah's work in Underbelly Press, A Sufferer's Digest and The Hooghly Review. Connect with her on X @JohannahWrites, @johannah.bsky.social, and at www.thewritingtype.com